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Hando T. Fucking Parkwood
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|07:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Garbage - Run Baby Run | ] |
I ended up calling Kelly on Monday. That call didn't go well, and she was still angry. But she called later, and I ended up going to meet her and say goodbye to her.
Well, she was all over the book about the last meeting. First, she just wanted to have sex, just to show that was all she was good for. Then she said she just wanted to have someone to cuddle with. I told her I would not have sex, but I would come up and say goodbye. So I went there and things were a little awkward at first, but they got better. She said she wanted to find a motel, just to be able to snuggle, but we couldn't find one, so we went to a big park. We found a secluded area far from everyone and just sat and talked and discussed our feelings. I didn't lead her on, and tried not to give her any hope that I would change my mind, but she still wanted to, and it wasn't too bad.
She did try to pressure me for sex, but I didn't give in. She laid on top of me for a bit and pinned my arms down, which I think fucked them up a bit. For at least 12 hours afterward, my left upper arm felt partially numb, like it was asleep. And almost 24 hours later, total feeling has not returned. I'm a little worried. But there are no visible signs of anything.
She called me today and thanked me for thwarting her advances. I hope it helped with her self-esteem, because she thinks sex is all she's good for.
But anyway, I'm going to head out and shoot off some fireworks soon with Daniel and his girlfriend. |
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| Caught in another memory |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|08:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Finger Eleven - Costume for a Gutter Ball | ] |
Wow, almost half a year since my last entry in this journal. I guess nothing much has happened since then.
Jobwise: I got the job at the Trustee's office, and have been working there since about the middle of December. It's been easy to do, but highly repetitive. I got a promotion recently. Well, not so much a promotion as a new job. Going from case set-up to case analysis. Basically checking that after a year for each case, everything's up-to-date and every order has been followed. That doesn't start until August 1st. I'll get a raise too, up to $15.00/hr (just got a raise to $14/hr with my other team members last month).
Relationships: Major fuckup. Wow, I haven't even mentioned Everquest yet. I started playing that again when I started my job in December. Helps occupy my time for the few free hours a night I have after work, exercise, and dinner. Anyway, I met this woman, Kellyjean, who started flirting with me and getting close to me without me realizing it. Then she talked about dating, and we talked more and talked on the phone. About a week or two ago, she told me she was coming into town to see her parents for the holidays, but really to see me. So I met her Friday, and things didn't go horribly. She wasn't totally what I expected. She looked better than she did in her pictures, but she really looked like one of my aunts, which is not a good thing. And that's something you can't control, of course. We went to eat somewhere, and she was really picky and brash with the waiters, which really bothered me. But she's loud and assertive, two things I'm not. Then we went driving around and talking, and finally ended up in a church parking lot. I just wanted to talk, but she wanted sex. That's not to say that she didn't want to talk and was only after sex, but I was tired and not thinking along those lines. She asked if she could at least have a kiss (I was making no moves on her and showing no signs of how I felt), and she looked so sad and fearful that I couldn't say no. A kiss turned into groping, and groping turned into sex in my new car. Oh yeah, I'll get to that soon. So we did that, then I went home. Called her up the next day, and we went to see a movie ("Click") and then came back to my place so she could play EQ. That went okay, except I felt kind of embarrassed with her in the house because she could get loud. We went to my room, and I tried to let her down gently, not let her have hopes that there could be a relationship. But that didn't work, because she kept believing anything I said was a lie and that it was all her. So I took her home, knowing I crushed a human spirit. I called her this morning to try to send things off on a better note, but she was still feeling bad and didn't want to be friends. She called a few hours later and said she was sorry for acting like a bitch (which I don't think she acted like), and was fishing for some last vestige of hope, but I gave her none. I wasn't mean to her, but I kept telling her I want to stay alone and not be in a relationship. Right now I feel that way, but I'm not sure I'll feel that way in the future. I just didn't want to tell her that it was because of her. Also, at the end of the movie, she sat there looking expectantly for a kiss, and I kissed her a few times. I didn't do it because I wanted to, but because she looked like she was expecting it and because it felt like the circumstances necessitated it. She asked in my room if I had wanted to kiss her or if I felt like I was supposed to, I didn't lie. I know I'm a fuckup, and I sent so many mixed signals to her.
Now I'm fretting over what to do. She leaves Tuesday morning, and I would like to see her tomorrow night before she leaves. But I have a feeling that doing that will raise her hopes and make it harder on her, so it feels selfish of me to do that. But I can't shake the feeling that this is the last time I may ever see her, and I don't want to give up that opportunity. So I'm leaning towards calling her tomorrow during lunch or after work and seeing if she wants to meet for a friendly chat, but I'm not sure that I will. I also told her that I may like to drive to Virginia (where she lives), in a few months just to visit, which I do. But that might be hard if there are no romantic feelings, but I don't know. It's a fucked-up situation, and now I can see why I'm not involved in many relationships. Well, it's almost never where the woman is throwing herself at me and I'm cold as stone. It's almost always the other way around.
This thing really got to me today. I just felt like total shit, really depressed. I still don't feel good. What it feels like is watching someone drown and having it in your power to save them, but doing nothing and just turning your head. Because I realize that I could be good for her, that I wouldn't treat her like shit like everyone else has, that I could give her hope for the future. But I don't feel the same toward her. I just kept getting the feeling that she's embarrassing and I could do much better. But I know that I may not, and she might be the last person I'll ever have a chance to be in a relationship with. I was seriously thinking about suicide today. It felt like I'd been in a messy breakup from a relationship that had lasted a really long time. Anyway, I'm going to post a conversation I had with Matt to explain how I felt too.
stevebiko316 (8:16:23 PM): Met this woman a few months ago on EQ, and we only recently started flirting and talking on the phone. She lives in VA, but her parents live about 30 minutes from me. So she came down for the holiday, ostensibly to meet her parents, but really to see me
stevebiko316 (8:16:59 PM): Now I'm wary about meeting people online, because for me, no matter how well we get along online, things tend to go differently in person
stevebiko316 (8:19:28 PM): But this was different. She was exactly what she seemed like, only I didn't feel for her the same way she felt for me. She wanted a relationship, and really liked me (probably still does), but I didn't feel the same way. She's nice and very caring, but the things that made me not feel the same way are: she's a bit old for me (34), she has a kid, and although looks aren't everything, I'm not really attracted to her physically (I know that sounds bad)
stevebiko316 (8:21:38 PM): So yesterday, I tried to let her down gently, btu of course she didn't take it well. I put no blame on her; a lot of it was my fault really, not being in too many relationships myself. But I talked to her today, and it feels like I crushed her. I told her before we met that we might not click and tried to keep her from getting her hopes up, but that didn't work
stevebiko316 (8:23:23 PM): When I called her this morning, we talked for a bit, but she basically said she didn't want to be friends, she wanted to be with someone and didn't want to be alone. She called back a few hours later and said she did want to be friends, but also was trying to change my mind, but she couldn't.
stevebiko316 (8:24:15 PM): Part of me wants to be with her because she's been through so much shit and I feel like I'm a decent guy who could make her happy, but another part of me realizes you should be in a relationship for yourself as well as the other person.
stevebiko316 (8:24:46 PM): So I feel like shit now and I'm sure she does too, but it would be so much harder later to break it off with her if she invested more into the relationship.
RevolutionstDude (8:25:29 PM): right. you did the right thing to not wait too long to do it
stevebiko316 (8:26:06 PM): Now my current problem is that she's in town until Tuesday morning, and I was thinking about seeing her after work tomorrow before she left. But I don't want to give her the wrong idea and let her think there's still a chance. But I do want to see her and be on happy terms when she leaves, but that just feels selfish, because I believe it will make her think she still has a chance, and that's just cruel to her.
stevebiko316 (8:26:10 PM): It just feels so hard
stevebiko316 (8:26:35 PM): Well that's the end of my problem, thanks for sifting through so much!
stevebiko316 (8:26:50 PM): I've been stewing for hours over whether I should try to see her tomorrow or not
RevolutionstDude (8:30:16 PM): I think you should try to see her tomorrow, but try to be as casual about it as you czan
RevolutionstDude (8:30:17 PM): can*
stevebiko316 (8:31:26 PM): Hmm, that does sound like a good idea
stevebiko316 (8:31:52 PM): I was thinking about calling her during or after work rather than tonight, so she doesn't have a lot of time to think about it or get worried. But if I do that, there's a chance she'll be busy and not be able to see me
stevebiko316 (8:34:00 PM): But that's just like this morning. I called her because I wanted to go out on a good note, unlike the 45-minute ride yesterday (we didn't talk at all on that trip). But it seemed to give her hope, because she called back and seemed to try to win me over again
RevolutionstDude (8:36:07 PM): whats unattractive about her? is she overweight or something?
stevebiko316 (8:36:58 PM): She's a little overweight, but that's not really a problem. It's an odd one: she looks just like one of my aunts
stevebiko316 (8:37:57 PM): That's something you have no control over, and I can't come out and tell her that. And the age thing, she'll start to look middle aged in a few years, and if I was with her, I don't know how I'd feel, because I'm still young.
Misc.: Going to England and Ireland two months from today. Been really excited about it, or getting stuff ready for it anyway. But now with this Kelly thing, it's feeling like just another chore. Anyway, got a luggage piece on Ebay for $100 that would have been over $200 with tax at Macy's. It's a Delsey, lightweight well-constructed 29" suitcase. I need to get a carry-on now too.
Got a car on June 13th. It's a 1999 Toyota Camry LE with a V6 engine. I paid $11,500 for it, with tax. It has about 73k miles. I was going to pay the whole thing. I was set to pay $10,000 up front and have my parents cover the rest, but pay them back the rest after the trip. But they said not to worry about it, that I'm a good kid and that they wanted to help out. I let them do it, so I only paid $10,000 for it. We paid for the whole thing, didn't finance it, and this week I plan on getting a tag for it. I want it to say "Evenin" or "Zing," in tribute to Luke.
Anyway, that's enough for now. I feel like shit, and rightfully should, and I want to get some rest for work tomorrow. Go to sleep early, you know, so I can get up early and forget my troubles at work. So I get Tuesday off for Independence Day, so I can lay around and feel depressed all day. What did I get myself into, and why did I have to drag her down with me?
Evenin'. |
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| It's a crazy, fucked-up world we live in, and we're all just barely floating along |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Velvet Acid Christ - Twisted Thought Generator | ] |
Finally got a job, after more than a year of looking. It's with the standing trustee of the Chapter 13 Bankruptcy cases here. It'll be a lot of data entry and other stuff, the least of which I'm looking forward to is the receptionist. I'm not confident around new people, so I'm sure that won't go over too well. The pay is $13 an hour, and I won't get health or dental for 90 days, nor be able to take time off. The hours are 7:00 to 3:30 and 8:00 to 4:30 I believe. I have to start with the 8:00 shift because I don't have a key yet. I like the earlier one, but it'll probably be too hard to get ready early enough and I also have to wait for MARTA. Fucking MARTA. I start December 19th. Haha, I planned on taking the week off before Christmas, but now with this new job, I only get one day off, the 26th. Oh yeah, I'm getting an IPod for Christmas and I'll at least have that for the subway rides. I know it's trendy and whatnot, but it's dependable and holds a lot of songs, so I don't mind.
Still don't know where things are going with Erica. I just haven't been in a relationship in so long, and the ones I've been in weren't that great. Not that I'm in a relationship with Erica, but I think I would enjoy it. We've hung out three times. The first time was the date that I'm sure no other girl will ever live up to. We had such a blast! The second date just didn't feel as good as the first, but maybe it was just that it was hard to live up to the first date. But it just didn't feel the same. We walked around a few malls, ate a lot of shrimp at Red Lobster, visited Netherworld, and came back to my house and watched half of a movie. She was scared shitless at Netherworld, but she made it through. I felt really bad for her and guilty for taking her, but it was such an opportune circumstance. And last Saturday, I met her at Town Center Mall to do some Christmas shopping/recoinnaitoir. She was definitely preoccupied at the time with school and friends, and then she ran into an ex-boyfriend who had just dropped out of sight when she thought everything was going fine. So I only saw her for a little over an hour, but I did enjoy my time with her. We held hands for a while when we went through the mall, and there were many chances for her to let go, but she held on in situations even I would let go. It felt really nice to be close to someone again. I was definitely disappointed when I left and a little sullen over the next day or two.
But then I realized that my mind's not moving slowly into this possible relationship; it's moving way too fast, and I don't like it. I shouldn't focus so much mental energy on her when I barely know her, honestly. It's not healthy, and I hope it doesn't fuck up any chance I have of going out with her. But I don't know, my mind wants to latch on just because I have so few opportunities to meet women, and few go so well as with her. We still talk a lot, but she doesn't seem too flirty. I know she's preoccupied, so I'll see how things go after school lets out.
My birthday's tomorrow. I'll be 25, damn it. At least I'll have a new job. That was one of the things that was darkening the year. I wanted a new job before I turned 25, but this is close enough. My parents are probably going to get new speakers for my car. I know I'll get a new car next year sometime, and I told them that, but they want to put them in anyway.
Saw Taproot last night. Saw a great band play before them, Subject 2 Change. The guy had such weird, piercing eyes. It was a great show! Taproot was great as well. The crowd sucked and the venue was small, but it was enjoyable on the whole. When they played "I," the lead singer went through the crowd, as Daniel said he is wont to do during that song. I hadn't remembered, but it was true. And when they played "Birthday," he asked if anyone's birthday was that day, and mine was only two days off! I thought that was interesting.
Going to see Amon Amarth on Tuesday. I can't wait! I don't know anyone who wants to go, so I asked Sean. I still have yet to hear back from him. Going to see his band at Underground on Friday. Going to see Mudvayne on the 13th.
That's enough for now, don't you think? |
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| Shovel dirt over lime |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|09:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mudvayne - Not Falling | ] |
I'm tired and it's late, but I want to write something down while I dragged myself over here.
I have a job interview tomorrow in Vinings, between 285 and Cobb (75 north) really. It's for a court clerk position. I also got a call today about a "case set-up clerk" for a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy Trustee. I couldn't get back in touch with her, but that's another lead I could try. Maybe one of these will pan out and I'll leave this job. We'll find out soon, 'cause if we don't..!
I met this girl online, Erica. On Match.com, she winked at me, and I took the time to write her an message back, and we hit off from there. Not even a week passed before we met in person! I believe I got the wink from her Sunday, and we met on Saturday. We met in a mall, and she drove us to a mountain to climb. Well, just Kennesaw Mountain, so it wasn't very high up that we had to climb. Anyway, we hit it off very well and later went to a Japanese restaurant. I tried to use chopsticks, but those didn't work out too well. Afterward, she convinced me to try Dance Dance Revolution, and it wasn't horrible. I mean it's something I wouldn't seek out, but I had fun trying something new with her. She's pretty good at it! I'll have to get her to play Resident Evil 4 sometime. After that, we walked around Town Center Mall for an hour and just talked. We really hit it off and enjoyed ourselves immensely. Afterward, we didn't want to end it so we went to see "Jarheads." It was a decent movie, but too minimal on action. They even played "Underneath the Bridge" by Nirvana in it, which surprised me. Anyway, we parted company around midnight, after spending nine hours together. Best first date ever! I didn't want it to end, and from talking to her, she didn't think it should have ended then either.
I can't wait to get to know her better. I don't want to fall for her too quickly and get burned, but I think I have a great chance. From what I can tell, she's definitely interested in me as well, but she wants to go slow. Anyway, I'll stop writing now so I won't jinx it.
Today was Benjamin's birthday. I got him the Resident Evil 4 game for PS2 in a special collector's tin with an art cel and some other stuff. He really liked it!
My birthday is coming up soon, December 1st. I don't want to become 25. Too old already.
Going shooting at the range with Daniel on Wednesday. He wants to try some .45s. Damn, I wouldn't mind a .45 myself. Thinking about going camping in SC over Thanksgiving and getting some shooting in. Plans are barely past formation, so I don't see it happening. Ah well, we'll see.
Evenin'. |
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| That's a new one on me, CHIEF! |
[Sep. 28th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Amon Amarth - Versus the World album | ] |
I have a few things to write about, but nothing long.
First, I started working at Netherworld again last weekend. It's a job I generally don't enjoy, even though it only lasts 4-6 hours and I'm doing it at most twice a week, Friday and Saturday. I signed up even though I quit after only three nights in 2002. I wanted to do it so I could get out of the house, meet new people, and force myself to commit to something just to see if I can. I really wish I hadn't quit so quickly and abruptly in 2002, because Luke worked there all the time, and those were the last months of his life. Sux0rz for me! Anyway, it wasn't too bad. Friday, I did 3-d, just wearing blackout, which was the best way to break back into it. Saturday, I did the main house and had a latex half-mask. Man, that thing was hot! So were the latex gloves. The tech guy came and gave me a fan for some reason, which I didn't ask for, but I sure as hell didn't complain. I met this Asian dude, Eddie, who seems like a nice guy. Now I just need to meet some ladies, heh heh.
I have a job interview next Wednesday for the Georgia Child Support Enforcement Agency. They want two performance reviews and a list of my leaves and absences, none of which are dealt with where I work. We'll see how that goes. Starting pay is $21k, which isn't much, but I'd sure as hell take it. I'll have to see how that goes.
Got my tickets to Amon Amarth through Paypal for the Masquerade. They don't actually mail them to me; instead, I have to go and pick them up the night of the show at willcall. I hope I get the actual tickets, because I want to save those. I also got "Versus the World" by them. I'll go listen to some of that soon.
I want to start taking martial arts. I have no idea what type yet, but I want it to be mainly defensive. I don't know how to take care of myself in a fight and I'd like to change that. I'll probably start in November, after Netherworld's finished.
I'm so looking forward to the fall. Crisp, cool, clear weather.
Still haven't seen Corpse Bride yet. I might do that tomorrow.
Well, I'm going to listen to some of the CD. |
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| If Hep. C affected your face instead of your liver, you'd take steps against it |
[Sep. 17th, 2005|09:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Finger Eleven - Ransom | ] |
Had a little bit to drink tonight, but not that much really. Just a bottle of Strongbow Hard Cider mixed with a little bit of Svenska or whatever vodka. It gave me something stronger than a buzz, but not much stronger than that. Why am I writing this? Who knows, who cares.
Went to see Napalm Death again with Daniel last night. Had two bands on before them, Kschitrya or something and Dead to Fall. They were both okay. The first band, the K one, had some guy who looked like he was 15 with his mouth right ont he microphone. He made a lot of guttural sounds, but it didn't really sound like he was singing. Dead to Fall was decent. Napalm Death was decent. It's so funny, I can always understand him perfectly when he just talks, but when he sings, I can't understand a thing at all. I just imagine him chanting "NAPALM DEATH!" I thought they weren't going to play that stupid song "Nazi Punks Fuck Off," but they did. Just fucking drop the "Nazi" and tell the punks to fuck off. Obituary was the main band, but we didn't stay for them.
We ran into Paige and a friend of hers. Not much to speak of really. Met this guy after the first band who was into the metal scene. He looked about our age, but he was 40. He mentioend Iced Earth, which was cool.
I watched Final Cut today, with Robin Williams. It's about people who have implants in their brains that record events like a camcorder, and someone, a "cutter," comes in after they die and takes the good scenes and plays it at a "rememory," or funeral. Anyway, the ending was really stupid. Turns out Robin Williams had an implant he didn't know about, and he got killed because he had some vital information that others wanted. Ah well, I know to expect shit from Lion's Gate Films.
Amon Amarth's coming to town December 6th!!! I can't wait to see them. They're a really good metal band from Sweden. They're opening for Children of Bodom, who shouldn't be bad either. Front 242's coming to town December 30th. I might see them. Also, Local H is comign the day before Nine Inch Nails. I may or may not go see them. I've seen them three times, and have always enjoyed them.
I don't know why, but I bought a Nintendo system to play some old NES games. Well, it's not an NES system - I think it's a Famicom - but it plays NES games well. I just had a desire to play some old games and so I bought it. Anyway, we had about 30 games, and I've won a few on Ebay. Actually got Goonies 2 a few years back and only played it at Daniel's once, and that was it. Now I'm playing it quite a bit. Also won Zelda, Xanyx, Ghoul School, and Yo Noid! today. Oh yeah, also got Kid Icarus. It's easy to spend money on frivolities when you don't have a girlfriend or rent or utilities, electricians, and shit to pay for. Oh well, things will change eventually.
Still haven't heard shit about work. I met some qualifications as a veteran's benefits counselor, but haven't heard back from them yet. Nothing on the girl front either.
Fucking "blogs." What a crappy word. Acting like it's some inclusive, important group, when any idiot can post their semi-nude pictures and movie reviews. Yeah, you're an idiot, and when the fad dies, I hope you expire with it.
Here's an idea: DON'T comment to get added. |
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| SPARE me your GUTTERmouth! |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|06:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache | ] |
Still looking for jobs, still keeping open the idea of finding a woman. I was ruminating recently on my current position and have drawn a disturbing parallel between my work experience and my relationship experience. I've only had three real jobs, and three real girlfriends.
The first job, cashiering at a grocery store, was boring and safe, much like my first girlfriend, Candy Cane Cotton. Well safe if you don't venture too far into the murder-suicide ideation.
My second job, working at a haunted house, had soaring highs and ground-scraping lows, was much like my second relationship. It didn't last too long, was full of charged emotions, and ended on a bad note. Amanda went back to her old boyfriend, and I quit the haunted house at the start of my second season because it was so damn hot and I hated wearing masks. Incidentally, I'm planning on returning there to work on Fridays and Saturdays. Billy, one of the owners, would like me back, and as I have no real social life other than work, the Internet, and the few friends I have, I figured it would be helpful and hopefully fun. I think I can handle it this time because it won't be my major source of income and Daniel said they've moved away from masks. Also, I might work in the bottom house that's basically jet black and thus won't have to wear too much.
My third job is my current one and one I can't escape. I started in August, 2003, quit in June, 2004, came back around October, 2004, and am still there. My last relationship, with Christen, was so mind-numbingly boring, just like my job. Occasionally at work I do something besides data transcription, but it's rare indeed. I really don't want to do more because I don't want to be valuable there, and I just want to leave and get a different job. Incidentally, I got a decent raise when I came back because I wasn't full-time. Fortunately, there was no incentive with Christen. I guess the parallel there would be her trying to get back together with me and using sex as an incentive. But no such misfortune for me!
I'd hate either aspect of my life to affect the other too much, but I thought that was an interesting note as I was coming out of the bathroom at work this week.
I'm going to Dragon Con on Saturday, a sci-fi/fantasy/geek convention lasting all weekend. Daniel's fronting for Netherworld at least Friday and Saturday, and I figured I'd pay him a visit and see what the hubbub's about. I've never been, and I guess the $30/day tickets have turned me away. But I have money and interest, so there I'll go.
The hurricane barely affected my area. We just got strong winds for two days and a lot of rain one night, but that's it. Economically, the gas-shortage rumor really affected Georgia yesterday. Adam called me as I left work on Wednesday and told me that he'd gotten a part-time job at a Quiktrip gas station and that his boss said they'd run out of gas that evening and wouldn't get any until Monday. As I went home, I saw the cheapest gas at $2.99 right by my house and full parking lots. I was thinking, "What the fuck? Filling the gas station parking lot for gas that expensive??" Well I was on a quarter-tank and wanted gas to last me through the weekend, so I went out an hour later, driving further to get cheaper gas. Gas stations were packed, spilling lines into streets and backing up traffic. I pulled into a gas station I'd never been to before and waited in a much shorter line. Regular unleaded was $2.81, but they were tapped, so I got midgrade for $2.91/gallon. It was still pretty cheap compared to other places around town, costing me only $21 or $22.
Hmmm. Been looking at a lot of stuff in preparation for my trip to England with Daniel next fall. Passports are fucking expensive! About $100 for a new one and $60 for a renewal. Luckily I have an old one I can mail in, but still, that's expensive. I don't know if Daniel will go for that, but if he won't, I'll pay for his as his Christmas present. I'm already planning on giving him $500 as a college graduation present to go toward the trip. Matt, if you read this, don't tell him!!! Thanks. Anyway, there should be a lot to do there. I'd like to visit Paris and Ireland, while Daniel wants to go to Loch Ness and Inverness. I'd like to go to the London Dungeon, and Daniel wants to see the Tower of London. In Paris, we want to see the bone mazes underground. This will be awesome! I know it'll set me back at least $2,000, but it's worth it to have fun in life. Anyway, that's it for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2005|04:34 pm] |
Not much has happened. Had a job interview Monday, but of course didn't hear back from them. But I knew I didn't have the job pretty soon after I showed up for the interview.
Oh man it was hilarious last night. I'd just played an hour or so of Silent Hill 4, and in there, there are some type of dogs that attack you. Well it was dark when I went for a walk immediately after, and I saw a dark, quickly moving shape in my peripheral vision. A black dog ran in front of my and to the other side of my yard. Later when I got back, my family had got him to stay in our front yard. It had no tags and we couldn't find any missing dog posters, so we called animal control. We ended up waiting almost two hours for them to come.
Going to see a Braves game with Amanda on Thursday, if it doesn't rain of course. It'll be nice to see her before she leaves to New Orleans for school.
I got annoyed this week because I found out Amon Amarth came through not once, but twice at the end of 2003. I guess I didn't pay attention to concerts in the area at that time, and I missed them. I hope I get to see them again. |
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| Food goes in here |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|03:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blind Guardian - Majesty | ] |
Got back from Myrtle Beach Thursday. It took about 9 hours to get there because of unclear directions, but only a little over 7 to get back because of back-road directions.
It was pretty cool out there. Lots of rednecks, but it is South Carolina. Surprisingly, there were so many people there from Pennsylvania. I thought they'd have decent beaches on the east coast closer than Myrtle Beach.
Most of the time I tried to bodysurf on waves. Barely went in the pool, but that's a good thing. I went in the first day there and there was so much chlorine that I couldn't see very well later that night.
I went to Ripley's Aquarium and saw some cool-looking sharks, sawtooth fish, and sea horse thingies. Went to play "Magiquest," kind of like a live-action role playing game, but it was mainly geared towards kids. It kind of sucked. I saw "War of the Worlds," and it was one of the crappiest movies I've ever seen. I knew I shouldn't have helped fund the Scientologists. The plot was barely held together by bad-acting, cardboard cutout characters. And they barely showed any humans fighting back. Oh well. I also went jetskiing. Daniel went first, and I went after him (we shared a jetski to save about $100). We went on an Intercoastal Waterway, basically a river, and didn't go into the ocean.
That's about it. My cousins at the condo weren't as horrible as I'd expected, and for that I'm grateful. |
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| They spun a web for me |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|01:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ministry - Psalm 69 | ] |
Just got back from a show at a club at Underground called Future. It was 'fetish' night. Went there with Daniel, got there around 10:00, but people didn't really show up until 11:00. I danced a bit, if anyone would call it that. They played Wumpscut, I believe Black Death. It was mainly electronica/EBM they played. Daniel knew quite a few people there, and I talked to them. Didn't really talk to any ladies. Haha, there was this fetish model up on stage that Daniel knew, and I thought she was very pretty. Eh, I wish I knew all the people he did. Guess I need to get out more.
Oh yeah, fucking cop pissed me off. We walked by with a large group of preppy college kids, and he asked if all of us were 21, and we said yes. Then he looked at me and said, "Even you?" Fucking asshole. No one thinks I'm even 21, but I'm fucking 24. Damn it. Oh well.
Might apply for a clerk job with the local government. Old Gil's moving on up, eh?
Going to Myrtle Beach in two weeks. Uncle's renting a condo. Most of my relatives will be there. I'll try to stay away most of the time and do shit with Daniel. It'll be nice to have my own car while I'm there so I can do what I want.
Anyway, tired and shit so bye. |
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| Mmmmmountain pics |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|09:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It | ] |
I went with Daniel to Kennesaw Mountain today. It's in a redneck county and, surprise, only a few miles away from where I went to get my paralegal certificate. I got that in the mail yesterday, by the way. Anyway, it's a mountain with a lot of trails, and is filled with Civil War artifacts and lots of battles were fought there. We were going to go on a five-mile hike, but we got lost and got there too late in the day to do that. We just climbed to the top of the mountain and back, about two miles. Not a vertical mile each way though, just distance. Anyway, here are some pictures from it.
Me on top of the mountain
Daniel in front of a cannon; you can see his Camelbak
Some Civil War re-enactors
God I have no waist
Here's one at home
I like how this view turned out |
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| Pics |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|05:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | eh | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Misfits - Dig Up Her Bones | ] |
I saw Land of the Dead last night. It was a sneak preview, and I got a free ticket from my friend who works at the haunted house I used to work at. It was decent, but the main characters are annoying and I thought the zombies were able to learn too quickly. I still think the original Dawn of the Dead is one of the greatest horror movies of all time. Speaking of horror movies, here are two pictures of me. None are really recent, but I look about the same now.
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| Ehhh, a test?? |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|08:20 pm] |
BLOODTHIRSTY!
You scored 65% gorehound! |
| You're about one step away from people thinking you must be totally psycho, if they don't already. You're still sick but you generally maintain some sense of morality about things. |
 |
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 20% on gorehound |
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| I push my fingers into my eeeeeeeeeyes |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|03:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | refreshed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | kidneythieves - zer0space | ] |
Two crazy things yesterday. My best friend told me tried to kill shoot himself last year but he was drunk and couldn't figure out how to fire it. Granted, I've tried that gun, and even totally sober it's really hard to work.
So I told him something very personal that I'd only told one other person. Well, my family knows of it, but still. I hadn't mentioned it to him, instead holding it in for a year or so. He wasn't as disapproving as I'd thought. I felt much better. Sorry for not saying what it is, it's just too personal and embarassing. |
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| Run my baby, run my baby run |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|05:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Garbage - Run Baby Run | ] |
I have to get out of this fucking rut. I work about 25 hours a week, then come home home and watch DVD's, play games, or read. I also work out, but I don't walk as much because it's so damn humid. I don't go out much. I only really have one friend, and we occasionally go out. We mainly play Counterstrike or watch stuff on TV. When we do go out, it's usually just to stores and concerts, and sometimes we fuck around and yell at people we see on the street or in certain business establishments. I'm not social enough to go out and find friends or even girlfriends. I love to travel places and explore things, but I don't do that often enough. I know I won't have as much time to worry about this if I get a full-time job, but for now it's really bothering me.
Saw Star Wars III yesterday, and I was as unimpressed as I'd imagined I'd be. Bought Zerospace by Kidneythieves at Tower. I hate that place and almost never give them money, but I couldn't find the CD any cheaper online.
Saw "Howl's Moving Castle" today with Akiko. Most of the time I was worried about whether I should try to hold her or hold her hand or something, but of course I did nothing. At the end, we didn't kiss, but we did hug, as always. I'm worried that this will just move into a friendship. Maybe that's what I need right now. But hell, I'd like to be in a relationship with someone.
Evenin'. |
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| Fried Snickers, anyone? |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|09:29 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Apoptygma Berserk - Fade to Black | ] |
Warning: Entry gushing about a woman, so be prepared
I had a great time with Akiko at the Renaissance Festival. I ended up spending $60-70, but I didn't mind; I thought I'd spend more. I lost my voice on Friday and just barely got most of it back today. I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she could barely understand me. But we went and had a blast. Saw some jugglers juggling bowling pins, flaming torches, and various sharp objects first. Fuck, I had put on some sunscreen and it mixed with sweat and attacked my eyes. I could barely fucking see and had to wipe my eyes every 15 seconds. It was atrocious. We both got some mead. She didn't like it much, but I thought it was decent. She talked me into getting a henna tattoo. I was going to go with a Nordic rune but decided on a Germanic symbol that looks like the chaos symbol. I'll post pics later. We're planning on going to an Atlanta Braves baseball game this weekend. The only thing that worried me a bit was she said she had a date with someone tomorrow. I'm just not used to dating multiple people at once. But heh, I'm not even sure if we're dating. I'm also planning on meeting someone from the internet on Tuesday. She could be a bit geeky, but she seems cool.
Still haven't heard back about the job. Hope I hear by tomorrow or else pretty early in the week. I know I'm resigning myself to sitting in an office for even longer workdays, but it doesn't really affect who I am. You aren't your job.
Got suntanned. Haha went to Starbucks with Akiko. She suggested it, and although I'm not into coffee, I went. Had an iced chai tea latte or something. It was okay. We didn't go to the monster thing at the drive-in. She was tired, and after I got home, I realized I was in the same fucking boat. Maybe it's this sickness, but damn, I'm not really that sick and I don't get tired so easily.
What a crazy weekend. |
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| Dude, where's my country? |
[May. 28th, 2005|11:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lost Prophets - Last Train Home | ] |
The job interview with Kilpatrick-Stockton went pretty well. It did take about two hours, but most of that was filling out forms and taking some computer tests. They were typing speed, proofreading skills, knowledge of how to use a computer, and ability to file documents. I didn't score as well as I hoped I would, but the interviewer seemed to think I scored nicely. The benefits are nice. The main thing though is it's not a small, mom-and-pop operation; they operate 13 floors and have 9 offices worldwide. I like being a faceless automaton, so no one depends on me and doesn't really get to know me. The benefits are nice.
Fuck, I don't know what happened with the meeting of that woman from the Internet. She's 35, so I was expecting to meet like an older teacher looking person, but she was so fucking hot. She had a nice house, but we didn't stay. We went to a "mountain" nearby and ate at a crazy restaurant, then went on this virtual reality plane-ride thing. The stupid thing was that it was sponsored by the Navy, but it was obviously the Air Force's thing. Anyway, after that we went to a secluded spot and laid down and talked for about two hours. No, nothing happened, we just talked. Then we got back to her house, she hugged me and said she had a good time, and then I left. What I don't know is if it was just hanging out or a date. She looked a little like she was thinking about a kiss, but she didn't act like it. She did say that we could do stuff again, but it basically sounded like hanging out, not a date. Damn it. She's very cool, unique, and someone I'd like to get to know, but she also seems like a bit of a "bad girl." Haha. I just think I'd be too boring for her if that's the way she really is.
Going to play Airsoft with Adam and Daniel today. Hope it doesn't rain.
I only have one more class left for this shitty paralegal program, and that's a final. I also have to turn in this stupid memorandum.
Eh. |
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|
| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2005|05:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | eh | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Garbage - Butterfly Collector | ] |
Job interview tomorrow at Midtown law firm. 1 1/2 to 2 hours interview? Hope I don't stumble over myself too much.
Also meeting a woman about 10 years older than me in person. I met online and I have talked to her on the phone. Eh, let's see how it goes.
Tomorrow should be stressful, to say the least.
Now onto my last night of one of my classes. After that, one more class and the program will be over for me. |
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| Still far from shores I've yet to reach |
[May. 13th, 2005|02:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  impressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | VNV Nation - Homeward | ] |
Had a great time at VNV Nation Wednesday. Soman, basically a guy on his keyboard with some drum beats in the background, was really good. There were no lyrics, but I felt energetic. Imperative Reaction played next and kind of reminded me of Zeromancer. Vnv was great! They played a lot of their new stuff, and some of their older hits. The lead singer even smiled at me. I also bought two t-shirts: one, a t-shirt, and the other a "limited edition" soccer jersey. I don't really care that it's supposedly limited to only 340; I just thought it looked cool. I also had a $5 screwdriver there. It was pretty good and went to my head really fast.
What really sucked is we had to leave before it was even over. We left around 12:45, during the encore, "Homeward," which is one of my favorite songs by them. It's soooo good. But we had to leave to catch the subway before it closed. Oh yeah, on the train some guy who looked like Elton John was making these weird faces from a train while we were waiting for ours. He made a lot of weed suggestions with his fingers, but that was just stupid. Some bum came up to us, and we saw a huge cockroach thing with pincers or something.
Daniel met a guy he liked there, Paige, and they seem to get along well. I didn't really click with her though. Ah well.
Before that, I went to class and was going to sit through that shitty video lecture. Instead, the sound wouldn't come on so we just got to take the midterm and leave.
No news on the job front really. I'm working a little longer at work, now about 5 hours a day instead of 3 to 3 1/2. It's still only about 20 hours a week, but it's a few more bucks. Lots of new ladies are working in the office, but they're all too young. Will get my paralegal certificate in about 3 weeks and hopefully get a real job.
I've been getting a lot of attention from ladies online recently. I've been talking to one for about a week who lives in Gwinnett. The only problem is she works for Choicepoint (for those of you who don't know, that's the company that got in trouble for selling lots of people's personal information to people posing as government entities or something), and although she's not ugly, she doesn't attract me too much. I got a message from a woman who lives a few miles away who thought I was cool. The only thing there is she's 35. I'm only 24! Never dated an older woman, or, as I think she might be interested in, never had sex with an older lady either. I know I'm presuming too much, but oh well. Getting quite a few messages from other people too.
Going to a gun show on Sunday with Daniel, Adam, and Adam's girlfriend Kelly. I think we'll go back to SC and do some shooting at Daniel's farm soon. Eh, there'll be ticks and other shit up there, and it'll be hot as fuck, but oh well, a gun in your hand and that gunpowder smell in the air is worth it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2005|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | VNV Nation - Honour | ] |
VNV Nation's coming to Earthlink Live next Wednesday. That's also the night of my midterm for Civil Lit 2. The stupid thing is the teacher won't even be there; instead, she'll have a proctor play a one-hour video with her lecturing and then give the quiz. I'm going to ask if I can just take the test at 7:00, when class starts, and then leave. The show starts at 8:00 but there are two opening bands, Imperative reaction and Soman. It takes 30 minutes to get back to Atlanta from Kennesaw. Even if I get back at 9:00, I'm still going to go. I've liked VNV Nation for too long to miss them.
I watched "Intervention" on A&E last night. It was about a bulimic woman and a man obsessed with video games. It was very emotional and a bit too voyeuristic, but I enjoyed it. |
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